Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in jillf00's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
8:45 pm	Honesty is a big word, and it changes things, and it complicates things. Are you sure you are ready for all that goes along with telling the truth? ~Dawsons Creek That was my away message tonight... i dont know... i guess it just sorta relates to everything... all in all, telling the truth has alot more repercussions and is alot bigger than you may think... Current Mood: blank Current Music: Avril~ Things I'll Never Say (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 8th, 2004
8:40 pm	SPRING BREAK BABY! so far this has been such a great spring break! wow, i love spring break! lol... i definitly went to the beach monday, tuesday, wednesday, and today (thursday) i went to the rapids! lol and i think im going to the beach tomorrow too!... but thats ok because after saturday im not gonna go for a while cause me and kathleen are gettin our belly buttons pierced!!!!!!!! ahhhhh soo scared! lol... ok, so im not gonna lie...lol ;)....but guys from ohio are hot!!! (stevie boy, butchie baby, roach, and tall bob) lol we met them at the beach and have been haning out wiht them since... at the beach twice, went to a movie, down to the the strip, and that was all well and good until they were at the rapids, now that was a little stalkerish, but its ok cause they are hott and they are allowed lol... we had our little fun with them... ;)... yeah we did! lol... well just updating ya guys on my break...one word... awesome!!! Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: D12~ my band!!! lol funn ride home!!! lol (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 2nd, 2004
10:13 pm	ommg ok...i honestly dont think ive ever been more scared in my life...well, at least from a movie... tonight me and kathleen (after about a half hour of trying to decide) rented the movie gothika... omg, let me tell you... we were like gnawing our fingers off, freakin hiding under the covers for dear life and like shoving our heads so into the pillow it probably still has our little head indents in them lol... im useally not too bad with scary movies, like i can useally take them, ya know, ill like jump at those parts when stuff pops up and all.. but i was like shaking and like screaming at those parts...and to make matters worse... i had to drive home alone at night. now, when you see the movie, imagine having to do what i did, because alot happens when driving is going on. I was like blasting kiss country cause i knew that they would play some happy music lol...if you ever want a good scare out of a movie.. DEFINITLY rent gothika, cause its soooooo good, and soooooooo scary! Current Mood: scared Current Music: rocket summer~ cross my heart. HAPPY song, cause im scared! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
7:05 pm	UGHHH!!! finally finished the project that i have been meaning to do the past ohh i dont know month? lol... its def due tomorrow... lol can you say procrastinator? or better yet... a vocab word (chris ;)... temporize! lol yesss!!! got that one right on the test! Thats ok tho, as long as its all done! Oh its soo sad, i dont think that the coffee clique is going to be able to get together this weekend because i have acts, and pam and kristin cant get a ride... *tear*... ::wipes tear:: So yeah, all day today i was in one of those moods.. one of my famous... i have no reason to be happy, so im not happy, but i have no reason to be pissed so im not... i dont know if anyone else gets like that, but its atleast once a week for me! lol... Me and pam were talking about boyfriends at volleyball today... we decided that we want a boyfriend those days where you just wanna relax and just chill, kinda be all cute and cuddle and whatnot, but on days where we wanna be single...;)... yeah... lol... then we were like ummm noo, we just want boyfriends, lol nevermind... ahahha... any takers?! lol Kristin, Kristin, Kristin.... hummmm, i liked those weird looks we were giving eachother today lol that was so funnny!! lol ima take a look at that now if you know what i mean... we'll talk tomorrow ;) Current Mood: weird Current Music: rocket summer~ this is me... dl it, its such a great song! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 29th, 2004
8:25 pm	Waiting... OK, so the bowling thing last night was alot of fun... my ex-stalker met me there like i said and he could only stay for like 45 min cause he had family down and needed to spend time with... it was fun, i mean we played pool in which he did beat me in, but its ok cause i killed himin air hockey twice! lol not once, but yes, twice!... now, he was a very sweet and very cute guy, but i donno... he just seemed kinda like quiet or like he wasnt very outgoing or somthing.. and i need an outgoing guy, just cause thats the type of people that im used to and like being around... please! i work at freakin jamba juice! lol... i just decided that i dont wanna just settle for someone that i dont want to be with 100%, cause honestly id be wasting my time and theirs... it wouldnt be fair to me or that person... i guess ill take coaches advice and let what comes to me come, and not try to look around or wait for anyone cause it will do me no good... LOL YAY!!! i got 2 new people to make lj names!!! coach and chris!! hi guys!!! :) To Coach... your awesome!!! i just want to make sure i tell you that everyday so it will possibly lessen the chance of you ever leaving us next year! i know that its out of our hands, but we would def miss you if you ever left! just one more year! lol then i suggest that you move to orlando! good area i hear ;)... To Chris... when i played that song for ya on the bus i meant it... chorus is soo perfect! dl it!! (crash and burn)lol just know im always there for ya if you ever need me to talk to or whatnot, and i hope all goes how you want tomorrow... good luck!!!!!! ;) Current Mood: Waiting Current Music: crash and burn~ savage garden (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
8:38 pm	... Not so happy new years... no need to express myself...Dont feel like typing, dont feel like talking, dont feel like being here, dont feel like being anywhere. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Godsmack~ I stand alone (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 29th, 2003
3:04 am	Yeah, so its definitly like 3 in the morning... i was trying to sleep cause im tired as hell, but i just cant fall asleep... So anywho... all in all today was a good day... I slept nice and late, then i went out and ran a couple errands, which is nice, cause it got me out of the house lol... I got home and a little later kathleen calls me and asks if her and jill can come over... and they came over with a late bday present...lol its a tradtion type thing...The three of us havent spent a fraction of the amount of time that we used to, and lately weve all just thought about it, and i donno.. we miss eachother to say the least.. i mean, we all used to be like attached at the hip lol... So that put me in a really good mood.. just the thought of the 3 of us being like we used to just makes me happy :) Later i just went online and talked to my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Bryan... Ya know, for a hoebag, hes not bad lol ;)...Then i talked to Matt (my baby)... *tisktisk*...i told you... as long as you learned your lesson...everything will be ok tho.. just hold your head up high...I love you!!!:)...Last, to make a long story short(2 and a half hours later), Chris and I are friends again...We just started talking about "stuff" and i just pretty much was like do you wanna be friends again? lol... it sounds pretty stupid when you say it like that, but its the truth...I mean, it just sucks how we kinda pass eachother in halls and pretend not to look at eachother, and then when we see the other looking, turn away...im sure you know how that goes... Its like i wanna say hi, but then i just stop myself and am just like wait were not talking... i dont know.. its just akward... so i really feel alot better, i mean, i do miss talking to him ya know.. hes a good friend... i mean, we could literally talk for hours without one akward silence, and i do miss that, so i am glad things are ok with us now... Gotta end with a quote..."I have the BEST friends in the whole wide world!!!"~Jill Current Mood: happy Current Music: Dawsons Creek theme song (hahah.. obsessed what?) (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 28th, 2003
12:01 pm	...Yesterday... Yeah... so last night i was getting ready to go to bed... all nice and cozy in my bed :snap: when i realized i havent written today... w/e... i just figure ill make up for it in the morning... so here i am... Yesterday morning i started out with my class... i guess enough said about that... Then the plan was that after my class i would pick up Pam and Kristin so we can hang out... It was alot of fun... We ended up going to the Applebees for lunch and then we went to mullens park :snap: and played on the swings with the little kids! :) lol.. We talked all day :snap:, and it was great... Its really what we do, hahhah...Kristin right now is prob in the car on her way home right now, and hopefully shell be back soon... for good!:snap: As much as i LOVE Krisin home.. it kinda brought back the memory of him :snap:... I was doing soo good... for what? how long?...a day? lol... but still! it was a really good day! lol.. i didnt talk or think about it at all! I mean, it was a given that when she came we HAD to talk about it, cause shes been a little "in the dark" when it comes to this, but after hours of talking and reminising... she understands... Then, last night, for the first time in months, i went out to dinner with my family and Jill's family... like good od times...well, i dont know if good ol times is the right words... but yeah... (I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! ;) Jill) but i really did miss that, because it was a way that me and Jill got to spend alot of time together, and we just havent in a while... We went to the Fridays up in Boca, and then we shopped for a while... ok... :snap: now you KNOW something is wrong when i go shopping and it doesnt make me feel better... you KNOW something is wrong when i have the chance to get prob to get whatever i wanted there, cause my dad would have bought it, and i dont! Ok... now i dont know if you know me very well, but shopping is normally therapy for me, and useally it puts me in a good mood, and it gets my mind off of everything...NO... def not last night.. all i did was think about him and i think i saw about 12 people i thought was him... i was going insane!:snap: When we got to the Aiello's house i must have ate.. wow.. i dont even know.. but Donna just kept on bringing out more and more deserts... it was pretty crazy... but after we ate, we went into the office, and we literally just talked for like 2ish hours...We talked about everyghing from him :snap:... to her and her b/f... to the old days... Its amazing to think about what was going on this time last year... Im not going to live in the past, but its just weird to think about...All in all, me and Jill walked out of her room crying...(laughing, right Jill?) lol... "I've learned to appreciate all that i have... and all that I've lost...:snap:" ~Jill Current Mood: blah Current Music: Copeland~ California (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 27th, 2003
12:12 am	KRISTINS HOME!!! Ok... just got home from work...we intended on getting out madd early, but there were just a few obstacles we encountered... but thats ok.. no biggie!!! We fixed and cleaned it all up... right Matt? lol...::SHHHHHH:: Naww... we had a madd fun close though... We listened to Brittney!!! It doesnt get much better right?!?! AHHHHHHH!!!! Kristin is home for the weekend!!! Im so excited! She came by today with Pam and i took my break and we went on a little walk and we talked like old times... Its amazing how it feels like shes been gone forever and the minute the three of us are together its like nothing has changed... Its just sooo nice how we can all just talk about everything and anything and never get bored... We can all relate to eachother and its awesome... Tomorrow were all gonna hang out, so im really looking foward to that... I have finally opened my eyes and realized what i should have realized a week ago... He hasnt called and left no number to reach him at... There is absolutly no reason why i should be beating myself up over all this... In reality, there is nothing that i can do, so why am i letting myself get so depressed over it? Today me and Pam decided that we are going to just put this whole thing on the back burner... Were not exactly "giving up"... but until we atleast talk to him, we are going to avoid the subject, and not let it effect us as it has been the past week... We decided that everytime we think of it we are going to snap a rubber band on our wrist lol... its like training a dog... hahah....so yeah.. if you see :snap: in any entry... you get the picture... Current Mood: excited Current Music: Britney and Madonna~ Me Against the Music (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 25th, 2003
11:53 pm	You know what i realized today?... No matter how much i try to analize and disect this whole situtation, ive come to see that the only way to answer any of my questions is to talk to him, which is not exaclty an option...The back up is to talk to friends... those who will alawys be there... Anyways... when i was talking to Pam today i came to the decision that i need him... I figured out how important he is to me... i dont know exaclty what id do without him a part of my life... Its like he completes me or somthing... I dont know.. there is just somthing about him thats just incredible, and when hes gone its like a part of me is missing. I would much rather him be just a friend to me than nothing at all. He just provides this sense of security that ive never felt before... He was one of those who just sort of made you feel special by being part of his life, and was always there to make me feel better and talk me through those times that is just unexplainable... He is a fantasy... He was sort of my "prince charming" to say the least... And i came to the decision that although the distance between us is extremely painful...Him not being a part of my life would hurt even more... I know when i talk about him it sorta sounds like he died or something lol, obviously he didnt... its just that when hes not here and i dont talk to him, thats what it feels like... and if you can imagine the pain of losing someone, than you can imagine the pain ive been going through... I guess that i'll conclude with a quote from Dawsons Creek, cause thats all ive been doing lately... literally...watching Dawsons Creek... lol... "Everything changes eventually. That's just the way life is and you have no control over it. Like suddenly people who you think are always going to be there, they disappear. You know? People die and they move away and they grow up." Current Mood: lonely Current Music: 3 Doors Down~ Here Without You (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
9:41 pm	Lets see... what to do? today i went to publix to talk to his "best friend" cause its the only way to figure out anything anymore... because of the fact that its impossible to reach him... it turns out that he "had" to go to Orlando (or Lakeworth, wherever he is). Why?... You know... he always used to tell me what a good influence i was on him and how he never did any of those "bad" things he used to, or, made any of those "bad decisions" he used to because he didnt wanna risk losing me... its not that i feel like its my fault, because i know that his issues go way beyond me... but i dont know.. i mean, i know i couldnt help getting sick and not being able to talk or w/e it was that happened, but i just feel like i was sopposted to be there for him.. whatever triggered him to do all of this... like whatever caused it.. i feel like b/c of the fact that i wasnt there for him, he went off and did somthing just downright stupid... Another question that has been floating in my jumbled up mind is that of whether or not being "just friends" is actually gonna happen... well, i guess that is, if he decides to start calling me again. I mean, its just a two way road... One part of me cares and loves him soo much that i couldnt imagine not talking to him... he wasnt only my boyfriend but my best friend... he was always there for me when i needed him the most, and when i mean always... i mean, ALWAYS. But seriously though.. hes just an amazing friend, and an amazing person in general... I dont know what id do without him in my life whether he be just a friend or more... But on the other side... being "just friends" with him i feel would ultimatly be a bizarre form of torture that i dont think i could handle... I mean, i guess it would be one thing if he lived here, and i would be able to see him every so often, and talk to him every once in a while, but if hes living up there what would i get?... Prob. a random phone call every once in a while telling me all the things that would absolutly kill me... Hed tell me how much fun it is up there, and the the "people" hes been meeting and hanging out with and so on and so forth...It would honestly feel like him ripping my heart out and tearing it to shreds everytime i hear things like that... All in all, i just dont know if those are some of the consequences that i am gonna want to face... its just a huge question thats been floating around in my mind for the past few days... I guess all would be alot easier if i had him to talk about it with... On a brighter note... today after work i hung out with my friend Spoli. You know, i dont think ive ever like hung out with him outside of school before today... im really glad i did... I mean, i always knew that he was a nice guy, but i realized today what a good listener and friend he could be... He just made me feel really comfortable when i talked to him and i liked that... I guess what im gettin down to is the fact that no matter whats going on in my life, and what i did, or didnt do... i know that ill always have my friends... new and old... they're alaways there for me when i need them and through everything that happened in the last coulple of months, i have really realized that, and learned to really appreciate them... cause i guess you never know when they are going to be gone... Current Mood: grateful Current Music: The Rocket Summer~ Cross My Heart (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
11:45 am	Jilly and Pammy! Wow!!! This is kinda exciting!! My 1st entry... well Pam's here and were reminising on the good ol days... Yeayeayea...Its pretty depressing... Why did he have to leave.. I just dont get it...Was his life here THAT bad? Yea, so we've only called his "best friend" like what? 3 times in the past ohh i donno 3 hours? lol stalkers? NOOOOO... id rather us be considered as... humm.... persistant! yeah! thats it! We just care... is that wrong? I just home hes not doing anything dumb, or anything hes going to regret later... hes known to do those things. I wish that i could just rewind time... like just go back to like what? a month ago?... Things were just so perfect...too prefct i guess.. we always said that everything was too perfect. I guess we were right. Hey its Pammy. Umm ok something to add on. I don't know anyone who could just get up and leave... without a goodbye or even hey I'm going to orlando be back soon. Maybe its guts or just plain stupidity. Things were going pretty good in the whole happiness department until he got the crazy idea that by running away from all of his friends and family was a better idea. Umm....no. Not when by in the process you loose all contact with those friends and completely throw away what good you had going for you. You just dont do that. Not to people who were so good to you. You'd expect something in return.but instead you dont get a phone call or a drop by telling you what he was planning to do...nope. Instead you get broken promises and I'll call you's that never get returned..... well before I even remotly start to ramble on and on about how we could change the past/future I'm going to give the keyboard back to Jilly and let her handle things... Yeah.. so i just dont get it... If only we could get ahold of him.. its almost like i wanna talk to him, but i really really dont... im just scared i guess.. i just feel like he could absolutly care less about me and that if he told me that.. it would potiently kill me.. its just when you care about someone sooo much and you feel like your gettin nothing in return.... i donno it just leaves me wondering.. wondering about everything... him, me, us? i know were not "together" anymore, but i just need the closure that i never got... everything just sorta ended with a "ill call you tomorrow" that obviously never happened... i just dont know... I guess you dont really know what you have until its gone... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Rascal Flatts~ These Days (Comment on this)